


does it feel this way to you?

by Princex_N



Series: the gentleness that comes not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it [5]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Autism, Autistic Erin, Autistic Hawkeye, Established Relationship, F/M, Family Fluff, Knitting, Light Angst, M/M, Multi, Stimming, past bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:47:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22531957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: BJ wonders if they even realize that they mimic each other.
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt/Peg Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Erin Hunnicutt & Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Series: the gentleness that comes not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601140
Comments: 5
Kudos: 99





	does it feel this way to you?

**Author's Note:**

> starting to play a bit looser with the timeline here bc i have like four fics already written for this series and i'm getting sick of trying to put an order to them lol; i'll just rearrange the series order when necessary

Sometimes Hawkeye isn't quite sure how to handle Erin. 

It's a little beyond the anxiety he gets around children now, and it's definitely not an issue with Erin herself being a particularly difficult child, or anything that would be simple to understand or easy to address. 

Instead it's one of those _complicated_ things, which really just means that it's annoying more than anything and anxiety inducing more than that. 

Because Hawkeye _understands_ Erin in a way he doesn't quite get BJ or Peg, or most of the people he's met throughout his life. When she squirms in place at the sight of Peg, when she shrieks in delight at the sound of BJ's voice when he gets home in the evenings, when she spins in circles, when she flaps her hands, when she stomps her feet, Hawkeye _gets_ it.

He just can't quite figure out how he feels about it.

Most of the time, it delights him. It's wonderful to see how uninhibited she is, how free to explore and be herself. How terrific of her parents, to work to understand her instead of forcing her to learn to accommodate them. He's known other people like him, who explored the world and moved like him, but they were adults. Already skilled at pulling on their people masks and adept at the art of subtlety, full of tried and true excuses to keep other people off their backs. Erin is different, she hasn't learned any of it, and Hawkeye hadn't known how nice it could be to see someone move without flinching in regret. 

But at the same time, Hawkeye never had to worry about the others, either. They were adults, with their own experiences and methods for fitting in with the people who would never accept them otherwise. Maybe it shouldn't be like that, but it _is_ , and Hawkeye can't help the anxiety he feels when he thinks about Erin acting like that out in public. Like he can't quite decide if he wants to stop her or clear out before someone else catches _him_ at it too. 

He never does actually stop her. He doesn't _want_ to rob her of that freedom, doesn't want to be the first one to pull the rug out from under her feet. Even if he _did_ want to, he's not one of her parents (even if he might be _involved_ with her parents now) and it's far from his place. Particularly when he had been the one to encourage Peggy to consider this option, to explore this method that the rest of the world would firmly recommend against. 

He understands, and he wants her to be understood too, so he's not quite sure why _this_ is the first instinct he gets when he sees her. 

The only thing he can do about it is try to work on it. Remember that even though Erin can't protect herself, she doesn't have to yet. Hawkeye learned through pain, they all had to, but he hadn't grown up with someone who understood him (despite his parents' best attempts), and how would things have been different if his parents had known then what he knows now? Erin doesn't _have_ to learn what they all did, doesn't have to be taught the way they were, and isn't that a good thing? Shouldn't that be enough relief to rob the wind from this anxiety's sails? 

She doesn't have to stumble blindly on this path because Hawkeye (and Peg and BJ) are there to help her on it. 

The next time she flaps her hands at him, he lets delight in his chest fuel his flapping right back. 

* * *

BJ wonders if they even realize that they mimic each other. 

He'd bet that Hawkeye probably doesn't - he never really seemed to pay any attention to the little quirks he picked up around the camp in Korea. The way he fidgeted with his dog tags the same way Father Mulcahy did with his crucifix, the curl of his fingers around the hair at the back of his neck like Margaret, or the subtle picking at his teeth just like Radar. 

He does it here with Erin, and BJ almost hopes he never notices, just so that he won't ever feel like he should stop. It's not really about either of them so much as it is the both of them together - proof that some of the most important people in BJ's life are getting along with each other in the best ways they know how. 

Plus, maybe it's just fun to see sometimes. The way Hawkeye rises up on his toes the same way Erin does, the way she scrunches up her whole body like him. 

Even beyond the mimicking is the fact that Hawkeye moves so easily here in the first place. If BJ had ever said something like that back then, he'd probably wind up pushed out the door with the sea of complaints he'd get about Hawkeye's general inability to stand still, but BJ knows it's difference. Hawkeye was more impulsive than almost anyone else BJ has ever known, but he's more calculated too. 

He's good at making it look natural, but BJ is good at paying attention and noticing patterns. He could practically see the gears in Hawkeye's head turning to make cost-benefit analyses every time he did anything from swaying to music in the officer's club to touching BJ in even the most casual of ways. Sure, some of it - like the contortion of his body when he laughed or the anxious tangle of his fingers - had been involuntary, but the rest was carefully chosen to perform its task while conforming just well enough to avoid the worst consequences from whatever observers might be around.

Sometimes BJ wonders where it came from. Whether he learned it himself or whether someone taught it to him, and if someone did, then how were the lessons imparted? Sometimes BJ listens to Hawkeye tell stories from his childhood and thinks that he might already know, and wishes he didn't. The tone he uses the same stark casual acceptance that Peggy uses to tell stories about old flings from high school and college. BJ can't stand it, he also never knows what to do about it. 

The only thing he really can do is try to make sure it doesn't happen any more. Set himself up as a buffer where he can and make sure that the way things work at home are never similar to how it might play out in public. He's never sure how effective it is. 

But Hawkeye is more open here. He stares at BJ and Peg with unfiltered adoration, rocks his body on quiet evenings in, and steals some of Erin's skips when he walks. It has to count for something, even if he still plays his cards carefully when it comes to making first moves with him and Peg, planning his words with painstaking care before speaking to Erin, carefully inspecting the streets before heading out of the house. 

BJ hopes he sticks around long enough for all of those things to start coming without hesitation too. 

* * *

Peggy can tell that Hawkeye is restless in some unspoken way. 

It's not really a surprise. They're all still talking around the topic of long-term plans while they get used to the developing dynamic among them, and Peggy is pretty sure that as comfortable as it might be to enjoy having down time when you spent years having it ripped out from under you without warning, having nothing to do with your time is probably equally as irritating. BJ used to write about the boredom all the time, and while Hawkeye never quite complains, Peggy is sure that she can see it wearing on him. 

"He used to knit a lot in the down time," BJ tells her when she asks (because when she'd asked Hawkeye, all she'd gotten in return were a rash of reassurances that she didn't need to worry about him). "I don't know how much he wound up having left when we left, though. He used to make things for Mulcahy to take to the orphanage." 

That's something Peg can work with. 

BJ takes Hawkeye out for lunch, and Peggy packs Erin up and heads out to the nearest craft store. Her own experiences with knitting are quite limited, but BJ's are enough to get her through the basics. She lingers in the yarn section, letting Erin grab whatever she wants and being careful to replace everything that winds up rejected. They leave with a bit more than Peggy had anticipated, but she considers it money and time well spent. 

Besides Erin's shrieks of displeasure when Peggy takes away her favorite yarn in order to preserve the surprise, of course. (She tucks a note into the label as a sort of apology - it'll be up to Hawkeye to actually decide what to do with it, but Peggy has a good feeling.) 

Hawkeye's face goes slack when she finally puts it all out in front of him that evening. "Oh, you really didn't have to," he says, even as he pokes around in the bag eagerly. 

"I know," Peggy replies primly, instead of commenting on the way he touches everything the same way Erin had. "You know you can just say 'thank you' when you're grateful?" 

BJ smothers a laugh behind his hand and Hawkeye rolls his eyes at him. "Thank you," he says pointedly, but smiles at her, just as amused. 

He's quick to get to work, twining the different yarns around his fingers, examining the different needles she'd bought and setting them aside where they won't poke through the furniture or get snatched by a curious toddler, and then pulling BJ into place with well-practiced movements in order to wind yarn around his hands. 

BJ settles into place easily, his leg kicked up on Hawkeye's lap as he lets yarn fall away from his fingers in the same easy rhythm as Hawkeye maintains as he winds it back up, and Peggy settles next to both of them to catch up and chat while the men work. She's never thought much about yarn crafts before, but there's something fascinating about the way Hawkeye handles it all, the steady repetitive movement of the ball winding, and the quick moments here and there that he takes to explore the texture and the way it slides under his fingers. 

It's nicer than she would have ever thought it would be.

(She doesn't mention it, but she also doesn't miss the fact that the first yarn he'd pulled to use just _happens_ to be Erin's favorite. The fact that he uses it to make a sweater far too small for any of the adults in the house is equally noticeable.) 

(But more than any of that is the fact that _everybody_ quickly becomes familiar with it, it gains a _reputation;_ the only sweater Erin ever wears, the article of clothing she almost refuses to ever take off. His proud fondness when he sees her wearing it never _once_ begins to fade.)

**Author's Note:**

> i'm still really uncertain about which terms were popular and accepted at which points in time (particularly in america; a lot of autism research going on at this time seemed to be centered in europe), so if you find me awkwardly avoiding words like 'autistic' and 'stimming', that's why 
> 
> also my other autistic fics aren't included in this series bc they don't Specifically Fit, but if you're wondering about the 'others' that get mentioned in this fic, consider checking out the other MASH fics i have too
> 
> [my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)


End file.
